i never like this feeling

hate the celebration session

i don't like to be alone

yet u always let me being alone

i want to celebrate with you

but in the end i am alone

i don't want the darkness of the walls consume me

but i guess i had too

abstract

love

what is love?

why love can be so deep to some while some others think it is just merely a feeling?

after the case of the guy jumped off from the building because of breakup

it makes me wonder

love can be so dangerous

but why people still want to go for it?

i saw posts that scolding him or saying him stupid

but

i understand what is the guy felt at that time

when he/she really sad, he/she really couldn't sees any light in front of him/her

i am not trying to say what is right nor what is wrong

psychology taught me a lot things

one of it is to empathize others

 i do think that what he did is stupid

but in his perspective, he just couldn't think right at that moment

sometimes people just do things that unexpectedly

why would he do it?

maybe he really loves the gal, or maybe he really too sad, or maybe other factors

but, we never know the answer coz he is not here to tell us

when people asked me about opinion in this matter

i am not agreeing on what has he done nor not really think that should blame him for his stupidity

when you love someone, you just hoping that you can be with him/her forever

wanting to spend every moments with him/her

wanting to have future with him/her

someone told me that i will do that (suicide) too if i have the same outcome like that guy 

will i?

it is funny to look at my thoughts

i mean answering back the question

long long time ago (i am not that old, just wanna prescribe how long it was only), suicide are stupid and selfish act

then, long time ago (which past these few years), suicide is not something bad

and now i am not thinking bout suicide coz i don't think life should be ended that way

and i promised that i won't do that

maybe a little bit of self hurting

maybe i will just hurt myself by drinking alcohol or might go crazy for months or years

but i guess (i hope) i will stand up from it

in a relationship

i think the most important factor is that communication

don't hold anything to yourself

just talk to him/her

everything can be worked it out =)

i wanted to share something bout myself

however

i never able to share because i always felt that i shouldn't share coz it is not appropriate to share out

and also it is being a long long time since i didn't tell anyone bout things, it is not easy for me to start

i wanted to say that i am those type of persons that depend on others

when i love someone

i depend on that person

i can't take it when promise didn't fulfill, i am easily jealous, i can lock that person in a cage like a bird without its wing, i can be moody

p.s: just share for fun... =)

:x: boy factor :x:

looking at four walls in the house

its make me think a lot

a lot of negative things

sometimes, i could be that cheerful boy

sometimes, i could be very very emo boy

these few days

went back to my secondary school nearby restaurant

i remember

i always spent my times there during my secondary school

my friends and i were always went there for lunch

there is an uncle who always called me boy

today

that uncle called me boy again

haha

it felt so nice and young

ok ok

i admit i am not young anymore

but it's fun to hear that someone called us boy or girl

emo

i don't like this feeling

feeling of being alone

i being alone since forever

i can't really remember since when i felt this way

i just don't like being alone

i hate that theory that i learned during i was in diploma

the theory said

everyone is born to be alone in this world

even you found your another half, you still alone in most of the things that you need to do

no matter how i dislike this theory

but deep down in my heart, i know it is true

everyone is alone

these few days, this feeling is so strong that i couldn't think right

my mood is ups and downs

in the noon, i could be jolly as i could be

during midnight, i became sort a like depression patient

my mood is becoming bipolar

my mind is in the state of agony

negative thoughts kept attacking my mind

felt like my head was about to explode

i guess what i want is that a simple care

simple hug

i just want to assure myself that i am worth to be in this world

i want to assure myself that my existence is important to you

i know i need a lot of reassurances

and i know it is annoy to keep reassure

please bear with me

i just need you to be with me

dream

i dreamed bout us

in the dream

we were not happy

we were arguing

we were bout to break up

i cried

i felt i lost the direction

direction in anything

don't know what to do

don't know where to go

all i know was i got to find you

in the dream

i was wandering around

my mind was going to explode

my mind couldn't think well

all i know i wanted to talk to you

in the dream

it was dark

i can't see anything

i saw some people

however

something in my heart told me that they are bad

still

i just ignored them and i walked passed by them

what in my mind was i just wanted to look for you

i don't want to be alone

i cried

i woke up

the dream was so intense

the dream was so vivid

the dream was so real that i felt that way in reality

i know i am very selfish

i know i wanted to lock you up like a bird in a cage

you wanted to fly but i blocked your freedom

i tried my hardest to let you fly

but i failed

i failed so hard that things didn't turn well

things get very ugly

you told me nothing to be worry bout

but deep down in my heart i know something is wrong

something is not right

something that wanted to tell me that maybe you might not love me like use to be

i am trying my hardest to push the thoughts away

i am convincing myself that you are love me

but why my mind kept thinks negatively?

maybe i grew attached to you

maybe i just can't accept if we were no longer together

maybe i couldn't stand by my own feet

maybe i am use to be with you

yet why would i thinking all those?

you are still here with me

you are still belong to me

you are still telling me that you are mine

you still telling me that you love me

you still telling me that your heart was caught by me and it is not easy to get it back

why am i so stupid?

why am i want to think all those things that aren't happen?

one thing for sure i know is that

i love you more than anything

i can give up my own life for you

you are more than anything

you will get the first place in my heart

i love you